December 2025: Mediation Maven Musings: Navigating the "Victim Mentality" Mindset in Mediations & Investigations
- sasha18324
- 2 days ago
- 3 min read
Best Practices for Shifting Clients Out of the Victim Mindset
Not long ago, I was mediating a workplace dispute where one participant, “Mara”, came in certain that she had done nothing wrong. Every issue, every misunderstanding, every bit of workplace tension, in her view, stemmed entirely from the other person’s behavior. She was frustrated, hurt, and deeply entrenched in her story of being wronged.
As we talked, it became clear that Mara wasn’t being manipulative or dishonest. She truly saw herself as the victim. She could describe in great detail what others had done to her, but when asked if maybe she contributed to the dynamic, she bristled and became defensive. To her, acknowledging any responsibility felt like agreeing that her pain wasn’t valid.
This is what I often think of as the “nothing-is-my-fault” posture and it can make mediation or workplace investigations especially challenging.
Understanding the Victim Mindset
People with a victim mentality aren’t necessarily being difficult on purpose. Sometimes, it’s a deeply ingrained coping mechanism rooted in past experiences where they were treated unfairly or had little control. Over time, this perspective can harden into a worldview: bad things happen to me; other people are the problem; my only power is to endure or expose their wrongdoing.
In mediation or investigations, this mindset can show up as:
Refusal to consider alternative perspectives
Defensiveness when asked reflective questions
Minimizing their own behavior
Repeatedly reinforcing their sense of being targeted
What Doesn't Work - Pushing Too Hard, Too Fast
It took me some time to understand how to handle a "victim mindset" but now I know that I can't push too hard, too early because it will backfire. Pushing too hard, too early sounds like blame to someone who already feels misunderstood or attacked. Similarly, letting the conversation revolve endlessly around the person's sense of injustice is not effective: it can stall progress and keep someone in the past and not focused on the future.
What Does Work
1. Validate Without Endorsing
Acknowledging someone’s feelings without agreeing with their version of events. Statements like, “It sounds like you’ve felt unsupported for a long time,” or “I can see this situation has been painful for you,” can help build trust without confirming their narrative.
2. Gently Reframing the Conversation
Once the person feels heard, start reframing by asking, “What do you think might help this situation move forward?” This shifts focus from blame to agency and focuses on the future, not the past.
3. Using Curiosity as a Tool
Asking neutral, curious questions can help open small windows:
“What do you think the other person might say/think about that interaction?”
“If things improved between you, what would that look like?"
Even if the answers are defensive, you’re planting seeds of perspective-shifting.
What's Behind the Victim Mentality?
Fear of being blamed, of losing control, of not being seen. I have noticed that acknowledging the fear and showing some empathy can result in even small shifts.
With a "victim mindset", I see a breakthrough not when a person admits they were wrong (never going to happen), but when the person shifts from “I can’t control this” to “Here’s what I can do next.”
That’s progress. And in mediation or workplace conflict resolution, progress, even imperfect, incremental progress, is often the most meaningful (for them) and rewarding (to me).
Want more tips on investigations and workplace conflict? Subscribe to my newsletter or get in touch at sasha@mediationmaven.com. Friendly reminder that Sasha handles both mediations and workplace investigations. Give her a call to chat about how she can help you!
Sasha is taking bookings for 2026! Message her or go to her website to schedule one today!
