November 2025: Beyond the Buzzword: Understanding Gaslighting in Mediation and Investigations
- sasha18324
- Nov 18
- 3 min read
Like many parents, I’ve had moments when my teenager swears he told me about his plans, or that I never said he needed to pick up his laundry, and for a brief second, I actually start to wonder: Did I imagine that conversation?
That small, disorienting feeling - the moment you question your own recollection of reality - is a glimpse into what it can feel like to be gaslit. And while it can be funny (and mildly infuriating) in a family setting, in workplace disputes, it can be serious and damaging.
What Gaslighting Really Is
“Gaslighting” gets tossed around so often these days that it’s easy to lose sight of what it actually means. At its core, gaslighting is a form of manipulation designed to make someone doubt their own perception, memory, or judgment. It’s not just lying; it’s undermining the other person’s confidence in their version of events.
In a workplace context, it might sound like:
“That’s not what I said. You’re remembering it wrong.”
“You’re way too sensitive; everyone jokes like that.”
“I never got that email. You must have forgotten to send it.”
When this pattern repeats over time, it can leave an individual feeling confused, anxious, and isolated; and it can make uncovering the truth as a neutral in mediations or investigations particularly tricky.
Recognizing Gaslighting
Gaslighting can be subtle and hard to detect because it’s often wrapped in charm, confidence, or seemingly reasonable explanations. Here are a few signs to watch for:
Inconsistent stories that shift blame. The person’s account changes slightly each time, but always to protect themselves or cast doubt on the other party.
Discrediting the other person’s memory or emotional state. They might say the other person is “dramatic,” “unstable,” or “misinterpreting everything.”
Selective recall. They remember details that support their version but “forget” anything that contradicts it.
Performative calm. Gaslighters often stay cool and collected while their target appears upset, which can subtly sway perceptions about who’s being “reasonable.”
How to Handle Gaslighting as a Neutral
1. Stay Anchored in Specifics
Ask about what was said, who was present, and when it happened. Pinning details to time and context helps separate fact from spin.
2. Corroborate When Possible
Emails, texts, meeting notes, even small documents can anchor the timeline and reality of events. You’re not looking for a “gotcha,” but for consistency.
3. Name the Pattern (Gently)
In mediation, if you sense someone is repeatedly dismissing or denying another’s reality, you can intervene by reframing neutrally:
“I’m hearing two very different recollections of that meeting. Let’s focus on what each of you experienced and see where there’s overlap.”
That simple acknowledgment can help the targeted party feel seen without escalating defensiveness.
The Takeaway
Gaslighting is about control, not conflict. And while not every inconsistent story or denial is malicious, it’s worth being attuned to the emotional residue it can leave behind: confusion, self-doubt, and erosion of trust.
In mediations and investigations, our role isn’t to diagnose, but to create enough structure and neutrality that reality can safely re-emerge.
And as for my son ... well, I still haven’t figured out if he actually told me he was going out that night. But I do know this: every time I pause and double-check my own memory, I get a little more empathetic to how disorienting it can be when someone else insists your reality isn’t real.
I am deeply grateful to all of my clients and supporters. Thank you for supporting Mediation Maven. Best wishes for a very Happy Thanksgiving!
